it seems as of late a number of my friends and i have been asking each other the same questions. What do you think? How can you help me? Give me your advice...but in reality, what does anyone, really, know? It's so hard to give solid, sound advice when you have questions that you still havent answered for yourself.

I got to spend some great time with Jeremy this past weekend, but i am majorly looking forward to the solidarity of the weekend ahead. Its been so long since ive been able to relax by myself and clear my mind. I know that i have some major soul searching to do...

So what do you do when you feel like you've gotten no where?

Over a year ago when i moved back home i thought to myself i would be in the position to enter "back" into the world in no less than a year, and here i am, no where near to being, ready or able, to step out on my own again.

I'll admit, i have made some very bad mistakes (again). But what do you do when where you are, isn't where you want to be?

It's been about a million years since i last wrote and im miles away from the person that i was that day on Sept 30th.

So much has changed, both professional and personally that i dont even know where to start. I've been taking toll of my life over the last couple weeks and there is still so much i haven't accomplished. I'm not at all where i want to be, and i have to start making a change.

And that's exactly what i'm going to do...

i think I'm depressed.

Sometimes i feel like I'm living with a ghost. The ghost of my last relationship. It's taken so much out of me and It's taking me so long to let it go. I don't really know why...It scares me that I don't have control over this. But I'm going to have to just push through it and move on. I think I'm finally able to accept that I can't just "move on" in one day. I have to just bite the bullet, and let it be.

I had a good day today. Just relaxed, did the laundry, did the grocery shopping, and prepared for the week. I think it's going to be a very interesting week ahead. Samantha is officially gone, and I have to find a way to get into her position. Megan has already expressed that she would love for me to be the new marketing coordinator, which made me feel really really good. I just hope Leslie doesn't see it as a stab in the back. Moving up to this position will be the perfect step for me. The next couple months is really about creating my own stability. Finding a routine that works best for me and sticking to it. I have to get back on track.

withlove

so it goes with out saying that our launch party was a MAD success. It was a fucking crazy crazy week, but friday made it all worth it! Chandra flew in from new york to help us. It was really nice to have that extra set of hands, eyes, and ears. She's really amazing. We got a long really really well. I cant wait to head up to nyc and hang with her.

I really think that i will be able to take over sams position. Megan said she would love for me to be her assistant. BUT we have to convince anne and leslie to give me up. I think rosa will be a great asset to them. She wants to do sales, and i want to do marketing. Its a no brainer to me...we'll have to see what leslie says though. I dont want her to feel like im abandoning her.

im going to see damian perform improv tonight with ty and robin and guberman. should be a fun night. we're going to head down to diskoteca after.

i need food.

Sam quit today. Her last day is Friday. I can't say that I'm happy, but i won't deny that this is definitely a good thing for me. I mean. In all honest, she doesn't "have" to work, and it definitely showed. I really think i would be good at her position and I am going to go after it. Luckily i have Rosa on my side. Rosa doesn't like marketing, and I do, Rosa wants to do more sales, and I don't. Perfect situation. So now she and I are figuring a way to "work it out" which is perfect, because if she wanted the marketing spot i would have to fight her for it, and it would be hard to get from under Anne and Leslie on my own. They love me. Rightfully so, i give them a lot of attention, but in truth, its not really where i want to be. So...i have to play the next couple days very carefully. I like this part about climbing the latter..the strategizing..the planning...it's nice to see when it all comes together. So...tomorrow...we play the field. :O) I'm off to shower, and relax. xx

So the new year is almost here, and I cant help but wonder...Where did it all go? But now that I really think about it, I know exactly where it went, and exactly how I got here. To say this year was catastrophic would be an understatement. I reached many a milestone this year. I turned 22, I graduated from College, I reach a milestone two year relationship, which is very illusive in gay culture, and then my relationship ended, I admitted I needed help, and I started writing my first novel. I've done a lot this year. A lot of things I am proud of, a lot of things I wish I could have done differently, but a wise woman once said, its better to regret the things you've done rather than the things you havent. So with this new year ahead, what do I want to do with my life? For starters Im ready to face this year alone. Im ready to do the things that make me happy. For so long I yearned for the comfort of a relationship, and for so long I had it. This year will be the year of declaration, amunition: ambition. This year I will finsih my book, this year I will move to new york, and this year I will become more financially stable. If those arent full fledged resolutions I dont know what are. Twenty two years have gone by so fast, I cant wait to see what the next twenty two years will hold.

The 20 things I'm grateful for

1. The abiity to smile
2. The ability to walk
3. The ability to live my life without rule
4. My mother
5. My sister
6. The ability to work
7. The ability to think freely
8. My car
9. My body
10. My friends
11. My closet
12. Good health
13. Graduating college in 4 years
14. Being a big brother
15. The ability to laugh
16. My sense of humor
17. My smile
18. Surviving heartbreak
19. My innocence
20. My toes.

This year is slowly coming to an end and I'm leaving it a much richer
man than I entered it. Richer not in the monetary sense, but richer in
the sense that this year has taught me all about rise, and the
inevitable fall that follows. What do I want to take with me into the
new year? The feeling that I can do, and say, and become anyone I want.
2007 will see me focusing more on the things that matter. First on my
list: money. Make and save lots of it. Second on my list: stay single.
I don't need a man in my life. Third on my list: find the kind of work
that makes you happy. I've been unhappy at work for far too long.
Fourth on my list: embrace your fear of moving. Only when you stare fear in
the face will you see that there's absolutely nothing to be afraid of-but
yourself. Fifth on my list: assertiveness. Quit being such a fucking punk. Stand
up for what you believe in, and don't let anyone stand in your way;
even if they matter to you. My mom bought me three journals for xmas. I plan
on keeping one in my car, one in my room, and one will only be used
when extraordinary things happen. I won't be abandoning my livejournal, but
my computer isn't always readily available, and there are times when I
need to just jot things down when they happen. I'm really really
excited at the prospect of a new me in 2007.

tori amos- rattlesnakes


love was her great dissapointment.

Some days are definietly harder than others.

Job hunting has become my main focus in life. haha. I know Im moving in july but I still feel I should be doing something worth while between then and now. Finding a job however is not as easy as I thought it was. I cant seem to get my foot in the door anywhere. In this day and age it seems even for an entry level position you need alteast 2 years experience. I mean I've done my fair share, I've written for my school newspaper, I worked at a publishing company, and I have some pretty good references, but why is it still not enough? UGH. I dont know what to do.

My car should be dont sometime this week, im going to call ceasar at the body shop to check on it tomorrow.

I just feel like, RAWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

3. No matter how much you hold someone up on a pedistal, they will always be human and never live up to your expectations.

2. Love with a full heart- void of hurt.

1. Everything in life is meant to teach you that you're not as strong as you thought you were, and in the end, no one ever is.

Im a happy man right now, because life is moving on.

Im determined to get over him. Im determined to move on with my life. Im determined to beat this feeling I have inside, to run back to him, to tell him I want him. Im determined to be brave. So, Goodbye Lover, Goodbye Friend. I've found the beauty in the situation, and im moving on. I said before I've been listening to James Blunt alot, below are the lyrics to "Goodbye Lover." This is how I'll say goodbye.


Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Its been a couple days since i last wrote. Not too much has been going on, but there's definietly been some progression.

The car will be done by the end of next week. Im uberly excited about that one. I cant wait to get back into my baby. I've grown so attached to that car. Loves it.

Im cooking dinner for Mario tonight, on the menu: Grilled Pork, Broccoli au Gratin and vine ripe tomatoes. Tyler might come over for a little tid bit as well.

Last night I ended up hanging out with guy, java, corey, and drew. They are all really really fun. Guy invited me to this Xmas party that Corey condo bulding was throwing. Topshelf open bar, is all he had to say. I was there lol. It started at like 5:30pm but i got there around 630ish. Im glad java and I are on speaking terms now, we get a long pretty well. Marion flew in yesterday as well, I figured I'd see him with guy and them but he had some stuff to do with his dad first. I ended up leaving guy and them to go and meet Mike at China White for a hot second. I got there super early, like at 10, we hung with jason and some other people for a bit. Mairon and them ended up coming around 1ish. Mike and I were kinda tired so we bounced soon after. I really hope Mairon doesnt think I left because of him. Thats far from it. He left me a myspace comment asking why I left so early. I was just over it, and I figured I'd be there friday so why over do it, right?

Anyway, some of the girls from work are suppose to come out friday to China wHIZZLE. We'll see, but Adam is here, he'll def come with. Im excited for him to be here for like a full month. wahooooooooooooo.

I was talking to Brett the other day and he said he was thinking of moving to New York with me. In all honesty I cant say I was extremely excited. Not in the sense that I dont want to live with him. I love Brett. But I just dont want to fall into another co-dependant relationship. In a lot of ways I feel mike and I are extremely co-dependant on each other, and I need to break out of it. Its become too comfortable for me. If im going to survive in New York FUCKING city I need to learn to stand on my own two.

I've been thinking. New York is the destination, and I couldnt be more scared. In many ways im hoping to beat this cowardness. I have a job interview tomorrow. Im getting it, I can feel it, Im not going in there with a defeated frame of mind. Im getting this job. Watch the fuck out!

I've been doing even more thinking about love. I've been thinking I can go on. I've been thinking I dont need to hold someones hand. I've been thinking its time to say goodbye, like truly just let him go. I dont think Im going to tell him about my plans for New York, unless he asks to which case I wont deny. I've been listening to James Blunt a lot lately and the two songs which are my fav's are, "Three Wise Men" and "Goodbye Lover." They exemplify everything in my life right now. Its time for me to evaluate where I am, and where I want to be. But more importantly its time for me to let go of broken things. Find the beauty in the situation and move on.

I think im going to stop putting my post to private. There's no need. The first thing im working on is not letting others actions and thoughts affect the way I live my life.

So here's the truth. I've done a lot of thinking and the real reason I'm depressed is because I'm unhappy with myself. For a very long time when I was a kid I felt like everyone in my life was out to get me. There's no real explanation why or how I developed this notion but it appears it hasn't gone away. For a very long time I've felt the world was out to get me, that mairon was out to break my heart, that people just wanted to set me up to fail, and it seems in doing so, I have caused myself to lose sight of what is really important to me. Why do I hate myjob? Because I look down on myself for having it, for serving people, for not being smart, or resourceful enough to have a real job...because I feel like the world is looking down on me. I've been so depressed I haven't even looked at my book. I just don't know what to do. How do I mend this broken relationship with myself?

I realized something today.

I am really depressed.

There's no getting around it, this has been one of the toughest months and its really affecting me. I've never thought of myself as someone who would battle with depression, but it seems its consumed my life. I thought that maybe I should go see a shrink to talk about the things that are happening in my life. I know I have a litany of friends I can call when i need some advice, but even when talking to the closest of confidants I feel I can never really be honest with them, or myself. So what is it that I am depressed about? I have no career, my two year relationship failed, i was rear-ended a month ago and my car is still in the shop, i feel ugly. Im sure all of these things seeme miniscule on the grand scale of life, but its still getting to me. I dont know what to do anymore. My Journal helps, but sometimes it causes more trouble than necessary. A co-worker told me that I need to write a gratitude list- all the things that I am greatful for. Maybe that will help me.

I've kept trying to recount the things that have happened in the past week, but its no help. I started thinking, Do i live in the past too much? If i didnt take the time out to account for the things that happned during last week, when they happened, then why should they matter now? Life is full of so many unanswered questions. I've decided if I dont write about it when it happens then I prob just wont write about it. This journal is very cathartic but sometimes catharcis can turn into something more like a pity party. Im over the pity parties.

So It seems like even though I took my livejounral link off my mypsace profile someone still has it and something I wrote got back to Mairon. It caused a big rift between us and Im hurt. One because he wont tell me, two because it seems as though there is no respect out there, and third and most importanlty the things I write here are my thoughts, and emotions, and feelings and I dont feel they should be subjected to scrutiny from anyone. I dont know who told him, but whoever did, whomever you are, I hope you dont pretend to be nice to me, and hug be, and ask me how I am because I DON'T fucking care about you. From now on all my post will be private. I thought about just deleting my profile completely, but fuck that idea. There used to be a time when I would invite people to read my journal, there used to be a time when I would care more about what other people thought, now comes the time when I STOP. The most important relationship you can ever have is the one you have with yourself, and from now on I value that more than I do anything else.


withlove-always.

They just towed my baby away! I miss my car soo much. I hate driving the maxima its like a effin boat. It made me so sad to see it go, but ill be getting it back in a couple weeks (hopefully)!My service guy at the dealership told my mom and I that we have to be patient with it because they like to get everything right. I just want my fuckin car. lol. ok, enough of this gotta go get some work done. Mario cancelled on dinner with me tonight, guess i gotta make some new plans.

withlove-always.

I found out something today. Mairon's had sex with someone already. We were having this simple meaning less conversation when he asks me how the boys are treating me. My reply? Simple and honest, they're ok. He then proceeds to ask If i've had sex. I know why he's asking because he wants me to ask him, and Still i cant stop. So ofcourse I ask, and he replies yes. The only think I could think to say was "All i ask is that you respect what we had" he replies he want me to do the same then asks "why wouldnt i." I've had this little incling latelty that there's something, or there will be soemthing going on with he and UB. I know he likes UB, Im not sure how UB feel about him. Just little things i've seen. I might be crazy but i've found its best to follow my intuition. If that were to happen, if something were to happen between he and UB i prob wouldnt talk to either of them ever again. Thats just something I cant deal with, something I dont want to deal with. I hope im wrong. Dont you?

Today was a better day. The insurance company called, they're sending me a check for like 4 grand to fix the benzo. Im really excited that the ball has finally started rolling with my car, its been so fucking long. Im having it towed to the body shope tomorrow and Im going to get the rental as well. I was a big SUV or something haha.

Mike and I went to the gym today, it felt really good. We were gonna go out to Alibi but we decided to 86 that idea and save our energy for China White tomorrow. I cant wait to DANCE DANCE! What am I going to wear? I was thinking something red since its national AIDS day tomorrow. we'll see. Maybe ill snag up a new shirt. NO NO NO, no spending. ugh. Im cooking dindin for mario tomorrow night before we hit up china white. I love the mother fucker. I stopped by his house after mommies yesterday, we chatted about life, and shit, and he then met mikie and I up at China. I want him to find someone amazing, he's just that amazing. (sidenote: Im watching the madonna concert and its amazing.) She does mix of "You Thrill Me" and "Erotica" which blows my mind. anywho- enough of that.

So I've made this pact with myself that im going to write alteast three times a week. I feel like a lot of my entry's have a glum, overtone, a sad overtone, I want people to know my life itsn about the pain, its also about the happiness. Im young and crazy, and daring, and enjoying this life i lead. Incubus's new album is amazing! There's a song entitled "Love Hurts" and the chorus states exactly how I feel, "Love hurts, but sometimes its a good hurt, and it feels like im alive. Love sings, when it transends the bad things, have a heart and try me, cause with out love i wont survive." Thats it man. All the pain, and hurt, and angst ive been feeling the past couple weeks is a good kind of hurt. Its helping me to realize im alive and I dont have to live this life numb. I may not be able to eat my cake, but atleast I can appreciate that I have a slice all my own.

withlove-always.